Impatience, wanderlust & is everyone having fun without me?

University Alton Towers trip 2011, Dublin 2012, Tenerife 2014.

Hello (:

Straying away from the usual round-up post, I fancied chatting about something that's been playing on my mind on and off for a while now instead.

Last week I read this post on Hannah Gale's lifestyle blog. The first thing I thought was 'bloody hell, thank god I'm not the only person who feels like this'.

Recently I've been feeling a bit disconnected, a bit lonely, and a bit sad, if I'm honest. I don't know whether it's all the Christmas cheer being rammed down my Grinchy throat on a daily basis, or whether it's a touch of SAD as I only see an hour-ish of sunlight per day (yay for working in a windowless shopping centre) or maybe it's a combination of a lot of different things.

Christmas is supposed to be this merry, cheerful time of year, but all I can do is freak out about the future and feel sad that things and people simply aren't the same anymore. I miss my friends from uni. I miss there constantly being someone around who wanted to do something. I miss that feeling of belonging and like I truly fit in.

I have friends. But more and more lately I feel like we can't relate to one another anymore. That's where the disconnected part comes in. I worry if I offload my problems onto them they'll roll their eyes and talk about me behind my back, because how on earth could I be stressed or anxious? Surely, I have nothing to worry about?

Then there's the feeling that they purposely do things without me. Maybe that's a touch of paranoia. I worry that I'm too boring or maybe I'm not responsive enough, too quiet, not as funny as I think I am, or I'm just straight up annoying. Then the self loathing kicks in and I start on this downward spiral of hating myself for weeks on end, and avoiding my friends. Then it becomes a chore to haul myself up and out of the house to go and socialise.

When I feel like this, I get this urge to run away. Not in the stroppy teenager sense, but actually pack all my stuff up and move somewhere else and start again. I have this insane impatience and wanderlust. I want to see all these places in the world and experience all these things, but I want to do it all now. I can't wait. It has to be happening now or at least be in planning stages. I want to travel the world and often fantasize about packing a bag and just going.

I envy those who have the balls to go and do it.

One of my really good pals is planning to move to Australia at the end of 2015 to work over there. She had it in her head to go to uni and do a masters degree, but now she's got her heart set on this. She's had Skype interviews and there's talks of visas and embassies and money. And it's properly giving me a real sense of urgency and that maybe I should go now and do it all now.

Because what if, I never get to?

What if I end up stuck? Stuck in a job I despise, with friends I can't relate to, working with people I don't trust, stuck here forever.

But, at the same time, the thought of going elsewhere and starting again absolutely terrifies me. What if when I got back all my friends had moved on and forgotten about me? What if when I got back I couldn't stand to be here anymore and slipped into the downward spiral of doom and low moods once again? What if I got back and everything had changed beyond recognition?

But, all of that is happening whilst I'm still here.

What I'm saying is, I've been really up and down recently. When I'm okay I'm happy and fine and dandy and things and let go much easier. When I'm down it's really bad and everything ever is the end of the bloody world. I have my whole life ahead of me, but I feel much older than twenty-three. It's the impatience of this generation and the you can have it all now.

I'm impatient for the future, but dreading it at the same time. I've got a ridiculous sense of wanderlust, but no funds/balls to go and fulfill that. And I genuinely believe everyone's off having a party elsewhere and I didn't get invited.

I hate to be a Dolly Downer.

I just hope whatever's ahead in life is better than what's been left behind.