Why worry?

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Hello (:

I thought I'd post something a bit different today. I've not had much to talk about this week, things have been fairly dull and just getting fully back into the swing of things post being ill and post holiday. 

I've had to deal with a fair amount of anxiety this week, and I can't pinpoint an exact reason why and it's done my head in. It all started at work last week when I had superior members of staff on my back about getting specific things done that I'd never done before in an allotted amount of time. Those tasks just weren't getting done. I was stressed up to the eyeballs and on Tuesday I had to stop myself from crying. It wasn't because of what was being said to me or how people were acting, it was because I couldn't convey how I was feeling or why I wasn't coping well with the situation. 

I'm one of those people who worries about everything. Over thinking and worrying is part of my daily routine. Sometimes it's small things, like I shouldn't have eaten that McDonalds because urgh what if I put on tons of weight from that one single cheeseburger and chips? And sometimes it's much bigger things, like if I'll ever be able to move out of my parents house, buy a car, have a nice place to live, go on holidays to exotic places etc. etc. 

Sometimes, all of these worries and thoughts get on top of me. Most of the time when I feel like this I can pinpoint why. It's often been because of an event coming up, like a job interview or an exam. I sometimes feel a bit anxious when I'm around a lot of people I've never met before. And sometimes it's because I've taken on too much, like last year when I was doing my NCTJ and working all the time. 

This time though, I can't tell you exactly why I feel this way. I don't have a demanding job. I don't feel low or lonely or upset. I'm not totally satisfied with life, but I'm going to make some changes to try and make myself feel more satisfied with the way things are heading. I worry about being stuck. I'm scared I'll never get a better job, never earn more than minimum wage, never be able to afford to move out, buy a car and run it, live comfortably. It's not all material things, it's just all the things I'd like in life, all the things that plenty of people out in the world have got. 

I worry a lot about other people. If my friends are having a bad time, I'm always concerned for their well being and happiness. I worry about my grandma, who's suffering with Alzheimer's - and then I worry about my mum developing it when she gets older. 

The worrying, anxiety and over thinking is like walking around with a black cloud above you. It affects my mood, and I can flip from feeling alright to talking myself into feeling miserable very quickly. It's not a mental health problem, it doesn't require medical help or assistance, it's how I've always been on and off over the years. It's difficult to convey exactly how I feel without feeling like I'd be judged, because how can I even dare to say I feel worried or stressed about things that haven't and might not even happen yet? How can I who has lived a good life, with a decent education backing me, with money and a job and parents who would help me out if I ever needed it, say that I feel anxious about anything, ever? 

I do try not to worry as much. Things that would have once gotten to me, don't so much these days. My worries mostly focus on my future and if it'll ever live up to the fantasy and expectation I have in my head. If it's not that, then it's about the people in my life. If ever I do feel like I have this week, when the darkness feels like it's trapping me in, I always try and speak to someone. Whether it be one of my pals or my mum, it often helps to say it out loud, it sort of releases it from captivity in your head. Alternatively, write it down. 

I'm not entirely sure what the purpose of this post was. It's just me rattling on about how I've felt this past week. If you're like me and you over think and worry about everything, I hope this makes you feel a bit less alone. I know sometimes I feel like the only person who thinks the way I do, but I know deep down I'm not.

Until next time.

Amsterdam

Hello (:

Blogging has been very sporadic as of late. Between trapping a nerve in my neck and shoulder and then getting a virus that lead to conjunctivitis, March has been pretty unproductive and I've spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself! All that changed last weekend, as on Mother's Day, myself, my sister and parents took a little trip over to Amsterdam for a couple of days.

My mum decided that we would go across on the ferry, which is an eleven hour over night trip. We drove up to Hull to the ferry port and everything was so simple. Prior to this, I'd never been on a ferry before, I've always flown whenever I've been abroad so this was a whole new experience. There isn't the rigorous security checks that are present in airports and there's no luggage allowance (definitely a good thing with the amount my sister packed!).

The ferry journey itself was pretty uneventful. There was a buffet style restaurant, which wasn't overly appealing or tasty, and the bar and entertainment left much to the imagination. What was supposed to be a smooth crossing was super bumpy as well! It's difficult to sleep in a bed that feels like it's constantly moving around. The strawberry woo woos definitely made everything that bit more hilarious though.

I wasn't sure what to expect from Amsterdam. I'd had a look at a few travel blogs before we went and had a vague idea of things we could do. There's plenty of museums, some about the most random things (Museum of Bags and Purses, anyone?) Obviously Amsterdam is well known for the Red Light District and the coffee shops and cafes where smoking weed is legal, but I felt there was a lot more to it than just that.

On Monday, we docked in Rotterdam around 8AM and we hopped onto a coach to transfer us to Amsterdam. This took around an hour and a half, and I wouldn't recommend to anyone who is travel sick/wary of being on coaches for a long time. The roads are quite bumpy and it's very twisty/turn-y. The coach transfer stops outside the train station in central Amsterdam, and fortunately we'd driven past our hotel so we knew what direction to drag our suitcases in.

We stayed at the Prins Hendrik hotel, which was on the edge of the Red Light District and within walking distance of absolutely everything. It was probably the weirdest place I've ever stayed. The hotel itself is split into a few buildings, all very tall and narrow. We had two rooms in the same building, one on the first floor and one on the fourth. The stairs between each floor were so steep and narrow, the first time we went up was terrifying. My sister and I had the room on the fourth floor and mastered a way of walking down the steps without breaking our necks.

On Monday, we followed the advice of our very helpful and friendly hotel receptionist and went to the Amsterdam Dungeons. As someone who is scared of everything, I wasn't overly keen on doing this. We did have a long walk around the canals before we made our way to the Dungeons. I've never been to any Dungeons, ever. I won't even go in the downstairs dungeons bit in the Castle Museum in York. So being scared half to death wasn't my idea of fun.

Without spoiling it too much, the actors do a good job of messing with your heads by splitting up groups and picking on a single person over and over again. Both of my parents got picked on on separate occasions, but fortunately by that point I wasn't having such a nervy b anymore and managed to have a chuckle. It was very dark a lot of the time and there were a lot of flashing lights. If you are a very, very nervous person, I wouldn't recommend it. I'm not super nervy, but being thrown into darkness and having my senses messed with doesn't sit well with me. There is a mind melting hall of mirrors which was utterly confusing and frustrating, and the final room and story in particular was extremely spooky with a fair few jumps. Despite that, when we got out, I was saying I enjoyed it.

There's a lot to see when you walk around, we stumbled across the statue of Remembrant whilst seeking out the Hard Rock Cafe for Monday night's festivities. The buildings themselves in Amsterdam are incredible, everything is so tall and narrow and some even look crooked. It's so easy to get lost, as we did on more than one occasion, due to the canals all looking the same. There seems to be a cheese shop on every corner and the amount of bikes was insane. Bikes appeared to have right of way absolutely everywhere, and bikers will ring their bells at you if you're in the way. They even seemed to have higher priority than cars on the roads.

On Monday night, after trying and failing to find the Hard Rock Cafe on foot, we jumped into a taxi and headed there for tea. None of us had been to a Hard Rock since we went to Florida in 2007, so this was a nice treat. It might defeat the object a bit, heading to a chain rather than going somewhere more traditional, but it was still incredible. The food was big in portion and tasted amazing. I had the Big Cheeseburger, which was covered in thick slices of cheddar cheese. I wish I'd taken a picture, but was far too keen to actually eat it. For dessert, we shared a brownie sundae and once you got past the mountain of cream and ice cream, the brownie itself was so tasty, very rich and sticky.

After eating, we got a taxi back to the Red Light District and had a wander down a few of the alleyways. Fortunately, we didn't see anything too risque (not ideal when your with your parents!) before settling in a bar for a couple of drinks.

On Tuesday, we had to check out of our rooms in the morning. We jumped on the tram and headed for the Rijksmuseum. It was really busy, so we ended up not going into the museum itself. Even more so because our receptionist had told us you could spend the whole day in there, it was so big. Instead, we had  trek around the grounds and found the I Amsterdam statue.

Tuesday was spent having a good old nosey around, we had a peek in a few shops and ate lunch outside in Dam Square. In the late afternoon, we had a wander closer to the hotel, taking in the Red Light District in daylight and a walk through China Town. In true St Patrick's Day style, we opted to have a final drink in an Irish pub that was blasting Flogging Molly with plenty of four leaf clovers and Guinness top hats decorating the bar.

I enjoyed Amsterdam so, so much. Everywhere we went everyone was so polite, friendly and happy to help. There's a lot of culture and history and I only wish we'd had more time to do and see a lot more. If that's not an incentive to return, then I don't know what is! I wouldn't recommend the ferry though, as cheap as it is, it's not for those more susceptible to travel sickness.

Have you ever been to Amsterdam? What did you do there?

Until next time!

February

Hello (:

This is a lot later than I expected/wanted it to be. I've been really ill for the past week or so with a virus and then I managed to get conjunctivitis as a result of said virus and looking at screens has been a big no-no. I've even had to turn down the brightness on my phone screen.

Anyway, here we are, February in a nutshell. I'm not going to do a post on my February reads, as I only read one book. Fracture by Dani Atkins, if anyone is interested. It was super slow going and I didn't enjoy it, so rather than dedicate a whole post on how much I didn't like it, there we have a tiny snippet on what I thought.

Much like January, I often tie February in to the beginning of the year blues. It's still a recovery period post Christmas and New Year and I feel like things are never back in full swing. At this stage, a lot of people have given up their new years resolutions and ditched the diet and gym (neither of which I actually started) and everything is still fairly glum. The weather is still freezing, raining, hailing, snowing, icy, horrible, horrible.

I started February by staying in Manchester with my sister. We went to see Neck Deep at the Academy and they were so, so good! That was followed by a trip to the pub to watch the Superbowl. I'm no expert when it comes to American football. I've seen tiny bits and bobs from what my dad's been watching just before Christmas, but I've not much idea about the rules and regulations. Watching it in the pub gave the whole event more atmosphere and it felt more exciting, especially during the half time show where the whole place was singing Firework along with Katy Perry!

Valentine's weekend was spent with You Me At Six and All Time Low's co-headline tour, followed by the Kerrang! Tour. I wasn't as excited about the latter, but both were a lot of fun. After the K! Tour, we headed to Satan's Hollow in Manchester for the Bury Tomorrow DJ set. I'd never been to Satan's Hollow before, I'd heard about it, but it wasn't what I expected at all. Despite that, I still really enjoyed it and the Kerrang! Tour was a really good night.

February has been a bit of a dull month overall. There's been a lot of sitting around waiting to go to work, actual working, eating a lot of pizza and cheeseburgers at my friend's house, and planning more fun things to do this year.

2015 has had quite a slow start, but now we're into March, things are definitely going to start picking up.

Until next time!