Hello (:
I thought I'd post something a bit different today. I've not had much to talk about this week, things have been fairly dull and just getting fully back into the swing of things post being ill and post holiday.
I've had to deal with a fair amount of anxiety this week, and I can't pinpoint an exact reason why and it's done my head in. It all started at work last week when I had superior members of staff on my back about getting specific things done that I'd never done before in an allotted amount of time. Those tasks just weren't getting done. I was stressed up to the eyeballs and on Tuesday I had to stop myself from crying. It wasn't because of what was being said to me or how people were acting, it was because I couldn't convey how I was feeling or why I wasn't coping well with the situation.
I'm one of those people who worries about everything. Over thinking and worrying is part of my daily routine. Sometimes it's small things, like I shouldn't have eaten that McDonalds because urgh what if I put on tons of weight from that one single cheeseburger and chips? And sometimes it's much bigger things, like if I'll ever be able to move out of my parents house, buy a car, have a nice place to live, go on holidays to exotic places etc. etc.
Sometimes, all of these worries and thoughts get on top of me. Most of the time when I feel like this I can pinpoint why. It's often been because of an event coming up, like a job interview or an exam. I sometimes feel a bit anxious when I'm around a lot of people I've never met before. And sometimes it's because I've taken on too much, like last year when I was doing my NCTJ and working all the time.
This time though, I can't tell you exactly why I feel this way. I don't have a demanding job. I don't feel low or lonely or upset. I'm not totally satisfied with life, but I'm going to make some changes to try and make myself feel more satisfied with the way things are heading. I worry about being stuck. I'm scared I'll never get a better job, never earn more than minimum wage, never be able to afford to move out, buy a car and run it, live comfortably. It's not all material things, it's just all the things I'd like in life, all the things that plenty of people out in the world have got.
I worry a lot about other people. If my friends are having a bad time, I'm always concerned for their well being and happiness. I worry about my grandma, who's suffering with Alzheimer's - and then I worry about my mum developing it when she gets older.
The worrying, anxiety and over thinking is like walking around with a black cloud above you. It affects my mood, and I can flip from feeling alright to talking myself into feeling miserable very quickly. It's not a mental health problem, it doesn't require medical help or assistance, it's how I've always been on and off over the years. It's difficult to convey exactly how I feel without feeling like I'd be judged, because how can I even dare to say I feel worried or stressed about things that haven't and might not even happen yet? How can I who has lived a good life, with a decent education backing me, with money and a job and parents who would help me out if I ever needed it, say that I feel anxious about anything, ever?
I do try not to worry as much. Things that would have once gotten to me, don't so much these days. My worries mostly focus on my future and if it'll ever live up to the fantasy and expectation I have in my head. If it's not that, then it's about the people in my life. If ever I do feel like I have this week, when the darkness feels like it's trapping me in, I always try and speak to someone. Whether it be one of my pals or my mum, it often helps to say it out loud, it sort of releases it from captivity in your head. Alternatively, write it down.
I'm not entirely sure what the purpose of this post was. It's just me rattling on about how I've felt this past week. If you're like me and you over think and worry about everything, I hope this makes you feel a bit less alone. I know sometimes I feel like the only person who thinks the way I do, but I know deep down I'm not.
Until next time.
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